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  #41  
Old 05-23-2011, 12:48 AM
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Alright, it's time for one-liners...

The definition of trust is two cannibals giving each other blow jobs.
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After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
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why aren't the mexicans any good at the olympics? because all the ones that can run jump or swim are already in the states.
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"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
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what's the difference between a hippie girl and a hockey player? a hockey player will showr after three periods.
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An Irishman walks out of a bar.
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The people of Dubai don't get to watch the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? - Dr. Dre
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what do you call a black guy who can fly a plane? - ...a pilot, you fucking racist!
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Q:What's the best way to give a woman an orgasm? - A: Who cares?
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How much coke does Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men.
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I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
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What did the egg say to the boiling water? - It's gonna take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
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How many alzheimers patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? - To get to the other side!
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  #42  
Old 05-23-2011, 02:23 AM
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Originally Posted by rado View Post
Alright, it's time for one-liners...

The definition of trust is two cannibals giving each other blow jobs.
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After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
why aren't the mexicans any good at the olympics? because all the ones that can run jump or swim are already in the states.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
what's the difference between a hippie girl and a hockey player? a hockey player will showr after three periods.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The people of Dubai don't get to watch the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? - Dr. Dre
-----------------------------------------------------------------
what do you call a black guy who can fly a plane? - ...a pilot, you fucking racist!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q:What's the best way to give a woman an orgasm? - A: Who cares?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
How much coke does Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What did the egg say to the boiling water? - It's gonna take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
How many alzheimers patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? - To get to the other side!
not bad

- lucas
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  #43  
Old 05-23-2011, 06:27 AM
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
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  #44  
Old 05-23-2011, 06:29 AM
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Five people are on a plane, four guys and one nympho girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies. The first month went by and it was really awful; second month was really bad; third month was almost unbearable; fourth month rolls around and the guys couldn't handle it anymore so they buried her.
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  #45  
Old 05-23-2011, 09:37 AM
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A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
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  #46  
Old 05-23-2011, 10:16 AM
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
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My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
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Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
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Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
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I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
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With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
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I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
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When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
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Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
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Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
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To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
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The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
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What if there were no hypothetical questions?
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Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
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  #47  
Old 05-23-2011, 01:27 PM
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Asian lady to bank teller: "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two huned dolla fo yen. Today I get huned eighty?? Why it change?"

Teller "Fluctuations".

Asian lady, "Fluc you white people, too".
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  #48  
Old 05-23-2011, 09:42 PM
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A motorcycle enthusiast is over at a friend's house. "You know, I've been wondering about something for a long time," he says. "How do you keep you cycle so shiny all the time?"

"That's my big secret," says his friend, "but since you're such a close buddy, I'll tell you what it is. I always carry Vaseline with me, so that whenever it rains when I'm out with my bike, I put Vaseline all over the painted areas, and it protects them from the moisture. Later, I wipe it down with a cloth, and it keeps the bike looking great. As a matter of fact, I just bought a whole bunch of Vaseline today - would you like a container?"

The guy says, "Sure, thanks! But now I gotta go. I'm supposed to meet my girlfriend at her parents' house for dinner. I've never been there before, so I can't be late."

So he puts the Vaseline in his pocket, gets on his bike and speeds off. When he arrives at the house, his girlfriend is waiting on the front porch. "Listen, honey," she says, "there's something you should know about my family. We have a strange little custom at dinnertime: the first person who speaks at the dinner table has to do the dishes."

"Oh, OK," he says, "thanks for the warning."

But he isn't prepared for what he sees next. When he goes inside, he sees dirty dished piled up in the front hallway. When he goes through the living room, he sees dishes piled up on the coffee table, on the couch, even on top of the TV. When he gets to the dining room, he can hardly pull a chair out to sit down, because of all the dishes on the floor.

At this point, realizing the situation he's in, he isn't about to say anything about the dishes, or anything else for that matter, so he sits down for dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

They sit there, eating quietly, and when everyone is finished, they all remain seated at the table, without saying anything. After about 15 minutes of silence, the guy starts to get antsy. He thinks, "I'm going to get the father to say something."

So he grabs his girlfriend, throws her down on the table, and has sex with her, right in front of her parents. Nobody says a word. So then he grabs the mother, throws her on the table, and does it with her. Still nobody says anything.

Suddenly, there's a crack of thunder outside. The guy leaps up and pulls the Vaseline out of his pocket. The father throws his napkin on the table and says, "ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I'LL DO THE DISHES!!"
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  #49  
Old 05-24-2011, 03:51 PM
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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
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  #50  
Old 05-24-2011, 03:54 PM
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A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue." Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange."

The second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK. Then I DEFINITELY shit my pants."
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