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  #31  
Old 05-16-2011, 06:56 AM
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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

O o

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

o O

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your @sshole before prison, ..."
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  #32  
Old 05-16-2011, 07:42 AM
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
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  #33  
Old 05-16-2011, 01:39 PM
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Mary Mcready was at home boiling potatoes for dinner, and one of her neighbors came up to the window.

"Mary," he said, "I've got horrible news about your husband Seamus. He's dead."

"Oh lord, my Seamus, how did it happen?" said Mary.

"Well," the neighbor said, "we went on a tour of the Guinness brewery, and Seamus fell into one of the vats and drowned".

"Did he at least go quickly?" asked Mary, looking for some degree of solace.

"I'm afraid not, Mary. He got out three times to pee".
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  #34  
Old 05-16-2011, 01:42 PM
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The Secretary of Defense is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
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  #35  
Old 05-17-2011, 09:27 PM
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A jewish boy goes to his father and asks to borrow 5 dollars. His father replies, "4 dollars?! What in the hell do you need 3 dollars for?! Here's 2, split it with your brother." he says, handing his son a one... and don't forget to bring back the change.
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  #36  
Old 05-18-2011, 01:37 PM
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Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I’ve quit drinking!”
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  #37  
Old 05-19-2011, 01:08 PM
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1.The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2.The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3.I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4.The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5.The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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  #38  
Old 05-20-2011, 05:03 PM
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daughter : ''hey mum me and my boyfriend are just going to my room.''
mum : ''ok don't do anything stupid''
- mum hears her daughter screaming ''BAABBY BAABBY BAABBYY OOHHHH'' !!!
- mum rushes up stairs
mum : ''what are you doing !!?!??!!''
daughter : ''get out mum we are having sex !!!''
mum : ''ohhh thank god, i thought you were listening to Justin Bieber.''
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  #39  
Old 05-21-2011, 08:25 PM
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Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my red shirt!'' The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock Bravo led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on that day, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, they was victorious over the two ships.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.''

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the horizon. The first mate asked, "Shall I bring your red shirt?"

Captain Bravo calmly replied, ''No. Get me my brown pants.''
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  #40  
Old 05-22-2011, 04:25 PM
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Keep them coming guys, there's a couple in here that are winning so far.

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