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  #21  
Old 05-11-2011, 11:54 AM
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The day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Smith a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr. Smith, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr Smith asked for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning."

"Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Smith. "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."

"What?" a confused Mr Smith exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
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  #22  
Old 05-11-2011, 04:02 PM
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
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Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole in the ground?
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Phil

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the front door step?
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Mat

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, no head and no torso?
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Dick

OK, that's enough of that nonsense
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  #23  
Old 05-11-2011, 11:02 PM
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This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
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  #24  
Old 05-12-2011, 07:35 AM
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Why men make better friends.

A woman stays out all night and the next day tells her husband she stayed over a friend's house. Her husband calls around to ten of her friends and they know nothing about it.

A man stays out all night and the next day tells his wife he stayed over a friend's house. She calls ten of his friends, eight confirm that he slept over, two claim that he's still there.
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  #25  
Old 05-12-2011, 12:10 PM
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The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
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  #26  
Old 05-12-2011, 12:16 PM
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A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"
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  #27  
Old 05-13-2011, 12:59 AM
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LOL all good stuff, keep them coming.

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  #28  
Old 05-13-2011, 07:17 AM
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Mickey Mouse is in the process of divorcing Minnie Mouse. As they sit in the courtroom, the judge says to Mickey, "Mr. Mouse, you claim the reason for your divorce is primarily based on the fact that your wife is crazy?" Mickey responds, "No, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f*cking Goofy!"
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  #29  
Old 05-15-2011, 04:45 PM
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A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00”

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?”

The man said, “A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead.”

“I just can’t take that chance.”
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  #30  
Old 05-15-2011, 04:49 PM
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Child 1: Dad why did you name me Rose?

Dad: When you were a baby a rose fell on your head.

Child 2: Dad why did you name me Daisy?

Dad: When you were a baby a daisy fell on your head.

Child 3: urghhdsargahgr

Dad: Shut up Fridge
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