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  #11  
Old 05-06-2011, 01:28 AM
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There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hammer, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he tried communicate with sign language so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at one of his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knee (meaning "need"), and moved his hand back and forth like the movement of a hammer.

The guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and gestured with his hand as if he was jerking off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hammer."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I'll come in a minute."
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  #12  
Old 05-06-2011, 06:21 AM
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Some of these are pretty good but none have made me burst out laughing.
I bet most of these are copy & paste jokes, right? Don't lie!

A better contest would've been to record yourself doing something funny on video. Definitely worth doing for a copy of cpvlab
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  #13  
Old 05-06-2011, 08:08 AM
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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell is on the balcony with Dave?"
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  #14  
Old 05-07-2011, 10:05 AM
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this bloke goes to see a doctor. The doctor ask him what the problem is and the man drops his pants to reveal his dick is bright orange.
"I've never seen that before" says the doctor, "Does it hurt"
"No, it's just this weird colour" says the man.
The doctor prescribes the man some pills and tells him to come back in a week.

The man returns a week later, but his dick is still bright orange.
"Hmmm, that is certainly strange" says the doctor. "May I ask what you do for a living?"
"well, I'm an affiliate marketer" replies the man.
"so what do you do all day as an affiliate marketer?" asks the doctor.
"well, for a few hours a day I'm building campaigns or checking my stats, but most of the time I sit around eating cheese balls watching porn"
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  #15  
Old 05-07-2011, 04:51 PM
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An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a young boy walking down the street dragging something behind him. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you got there?" to which the boy replies, "It's duct tape, I'm gonna go catch me some ducks." The old man laughs and he calls out, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The little boy laughs and continues on his way, returning a few short hours later, and behind him, he is dragging 8 ducks, all wrapped up in the duct tape. The old man can't believe his eyes.

The next day, the old man is sitting on his porch again and along comes the little boy dragging something behind him. When the old man asks what he's got this time, the boy replies, "It's a spool of chicken wire, I'm going to catch some chickens in it." Well the old man begins to laugh quite hard, telling the boy, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." The boy laughs himself, and says back, "That's what you said about the duct tape," and he continues on his way, with the old man laughing like crazy. A few hours later the old man is surprised to see the boy coming back, and even more shocked to see that behind him he is dragging 10 chickens, all tangled up in the chicken wire, he can't believe his eyes again.

The next day, the old man is sitting there wondering what the little boy will be up to next, and sure enough he sees him coming down the street with something in his hand. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you go there today?" The boy responds, "It's a p*ssy willow." The man then replies, "Hang on son, I'll get my hat!"
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  #16  
Old 05-08-2011, 03:57 PM
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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening."

The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line;

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!"

So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on."

He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up."

He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT?"
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  #17  
Old 05-09-2011, 01:53 PM
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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow!…That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied…. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

After a moment of silence,… he farted.
chrisd likes this.
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  #18  
Old 05-10-2011, 07:28 AM
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Old Paddy is at the bar and he's in one of his drink until everything is forgotten stages.

The bartender [a good friend] continually tells him he's had enough and to go home.

Finally after several last calls, Paddy declares "I'm going home", promptly falls off his high bar stool and drags himself to the door. He hails a cab while face down on the curb, manages to open the door and drag himself from his sprawled position into the backseat. The cabby drives him home with Paddy singing nonsensical music to himself the whole way. Paddy rolls out of the cab manages to drunkenly flop his way across the lawn, gets the front door half open and passes out.

The next day because the bartender is also a good friend he checks on paddy, and seeing him lying on his back in the doorway says, "Paddy, you were drunk last night weren't you?". Paddy replies, "Yes, but I didn't think I was that drunk, how did you know?". To which the bartender replies, "You left your wheelchair at the bar".
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  #19  
Old 05-10-2011, 02:48 PM
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One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
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  #20  
Old 05-10-2011, 03:37 PM
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Two Newfoundland fishermen, Robert and Peter, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Robert turns to Peter and says,"You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.Tomorrow I think I'll go the community college, and sign up for some classes." Peter agrees that it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Robert goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:Math, English, history, and Logic.

"Logic?" Robert says. "What's that? The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a lawn mower?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a lawn mower, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house" "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet.

Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a lawn mower."

Excited to take the class now, Robert shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Peter at the bar.He tells Peter about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English History, and Logic. "Logic?" Peter says, "What's that?"

Robert says, "I'll show you. Do you have a lawn mower?"

"No."

"Then you're gay."
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