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-   -   May CPVLab Contest Giveaway Contest #2 (http://www.cpvden.com/news-announcements-23/may-cpvlab-contest-giveaway-contest-2-a-1932/)

bigdude 05-03-2011 06:59 PM

May CPVLab Contest Giveaway Contest #2
 
This month the second contest is simple. Tell me your best joke. I don't care where it came from or what the subject is, just tell it here. At the end of the month, we'll pick THE best one and you get a copy of CPV Lab.

What we're looking for:
  • the kind that makes you spit out your beer if you're drinking beer
  • the kind that makes your stomach hurt
  • the kind that makes others your house ask wtf is so funny because you're laughing your ass off

There's no limit to the number of jokes you can post, but they have to make us laugh. We reserve the right to delete any "jokes" that we deem unfit for our fine forums.

:)

Post them all in this thread please.

Brockster 05-04-2011 07:32 AM

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by. The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!" One banana turns to the other banana and says, ""Do you believe that shit?"

Brockster 05-04-2011 09:54 AM

A couple is lying in bed. The telephone rings and the woman answers. After she hangs up, the man asks "Who was that?"
"That was my husband. He said he'll be home a little late because he's having drinks with you"

Brockster 05-04-2011 09:58 AM

A young man walked into the local welfare office, strolled up to the counter and said, "I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided. You will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year."

The young man said, "You're bullshitting me, man!" The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"

rado 05-05-2011 12:16 AM

An octopus walks into a bar and see's a band playing in the corner. He walks up and says "I'm the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like".

So the English guy goes "Alright then. Play this" and hands him a guitar. The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar.

The Irishman says "Okay, how about this?" and shows him to the piano. The octopus sits down and plays it like never before - Better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever.

Finally, a Scotsman says "Alright, let's see ya play this then" and hands him a set of bagpipes. The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them. Couple more minutes and he's still struggling and there's no sound coming out. Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says "Oh, so can you not play it then?"

And the octopus says "Play it? I'm gonna f*ck her when I get her pyjamas off"

d3so 05-05-2011 12:53 AM

Who's chuck berry?

rado 05-05-2011 01:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by d3so (Post 10835)
Who's chuck berry?

When he is mentioned along with Jimi Hendrix he must be some kind of a legend :)

Chuck Berry - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Another one... :)

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference between hypothetically and realistically. He asked his dad for help.

"Go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mailman for $1,000,000" his Dad said.

He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".

"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."

He did and came back and said, "She said yes too".

So dad said, "Hypothetically we're millionaires, realistically we're living with two whores."

bigdude 05-05-2011 03:52 PM

That octopus one is good, so are those others, keep them coming!

:)

bigdude 05-05-2011 03:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rado (Post 10836)
A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference between hypothetically and realistically. He asked his dad for help.

"Go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mailman for $1,000,000" his Dad said.

He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".

"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."

He did and came back and said, "She said yes too".

So dad said, "Hypothetically we're millionaires, realistically we're living with two whores."

Ok you got the laugh out loud factor there!

Good stuff.

rado 05-05-2011 04:28 PM

Tell me about it :) Ok, I think this one will fit best for an internet marketer :)

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?".

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo".

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "Ok, so how many sales did you make today?".

The Aussie said "One!".

The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day".

How much was the sale for? - "145,357.31p."

The manager choked and exclaimed "145,357.31p !!! What the hell did you sell him?".

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4".

The manager, incredulous, said, "You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?".

"No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his girlfriend and I said... "Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing." :D:D:D


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